The Toonslayer
by ll MFC ll
Summary: MFC has become a hired assassin & is totally into taking out fictional characters that are hated by most but the more he kills the mysteries pile up. Rated R more mega offensiveness


Ed, Edd, and Eddy Must Die!

A guy 6 foot 5, silver hair that reaches his shoulders, a silver trench coat, blue torn up jeans, a t-shirt sporting the name "Pulp Fiction, and white converse sits in a chair behind a desk. A cigarette emitting smoke. He's reading the latest edition of "Awesome Pirates". Someone walks in. He lifts his head in annoyance at the intruder.

"What do you want?" he asks with such awesomeness in his tone the guy falls to his knees.

The guy replies "Are you MFC the assassin?"

"Of course."

"I need you to take care of some bastards in a cul-de-sac."

"Who?"

"The entire cast of Ed, Edd, and Eddy."

"How much are you willing to pay?"

"You get to beat and kill children!"

"Your point is well observed so I will do this job for free. Pray tell stranger, what is your name?"

"My name is unimportant"

The man walks outs. MFC puts out his cigarette and walks into another room. He grabs an array of weaponry. MFC continues to his car which is a Delorean (Back To The Future). He speeds off into the sunset.

In the shitty little neighborhood The 3 Eds are playing grabass with each other and hatching up a scheme to get some damn candy, Kevin is being a complete fuck off on his bike, Nazz is whoring herself around the houses, Jimmy is nerding all over the place and fondling Sarah, Johnny and Rolf are hiding because Rolf thought he heard Immigration driving by, and the Kanker sisters are doing what inbred sisters do best…I don't think I have to go into detail.

"So basically we threaten to rape them if they don't give us money" explains Eddy.

"Toaster!" replies Ed.

"Gee guys can't we just threaten to break their fingers?" Inquires Double-D.

Eddy walks over and smacks him like a bitch.

"SAY THE PLAN YOU SLUT!" Screams Eddy.

"We rape then if they don't give us money" sobs Double D.

"That a bitch."

Sarah and Jimmy walk up.

"Ed, tell Jimmy that he's not to touch me there until we reach the age of 10" rags Sarah.

"Uh Jimmy, you can't hold Sarah's hand until you're 10" says Ed with bits of whatever he's stuck in his mouth spewing on Jimmy.

"Aw shucks" sighs Jimmy.

"It's ok Jimmy we can just go make out" smiles Sarah.

"YAY!"

They walk off.

"They're gonna have some ugly kids." Kevin remarks.

Suddenly the sound of "Kiss From a Rose" by Seal is heard booming down the street. It's MFC's Delorean. He spins in running over Kevin in the process. Kevin is dragged on the bumper. MFC gets out of the car and sees Kevin has dented his bumper and that he is still alive.

"You little shit! You fucking hit my car!" MFC screams.

He opens his car up and pulls out a Magnum 44 (Dirty Harry's gun) and unloads a round into his face in front of the rest of the damn kids. The kids scream and take off except Johnny who walks up.

"Hey you totally killed my friend." Johnny says.

"Really I didn't notice the corpse on my car. Thank you for stating the obvious." MFC replies. "Hey is that a plank of wood? Can I see that?"

"Oh sure this is my best friend Plank." Johnny says as he hands Plank to MFC. "I've had him since he was on a tree."

MFC agrees and nods to the crap coming out of Johnny's mouth as he puts a nail through Plank's face.

"Hey you're hurting him!" cries Johnny.

"Really now?" says MFC seemingly surprised at his actions.

He drives the spike wood through Johnny's head. Johnny foams from the mouth a little bit and falls over. MFC rips Plank out of his head and looks at it with a scowl on his face and proceeds to snap it over his knee and walks away.

The 3 Eds are cowering in Ed's basement. Ed is eating a sock, Eddy is looking at his vain self in the mirror, and Double D is hiding under the bed.

"Guys I think we should worry about that guy." Whines Edd.

"How can I worry about him when I look this good?" sneers Eddy.

"Well seeing as how he just killed a kid with a smile he might be dangerous!"

"Seriously have you been knocked up you're complaining more than a pregnant woman?"

"Go fuck yourself"

They both get into a cartoonish fight…gay.

Sarah and Jimmy are making out (which is a trick since he has the metal contraption around his head. Maybe it's easier than it looks I haven't really had to make-out with anyone who had braces) by a seesaw so they don't notice MFC walking over.

"Excuse me didn't mean to interrupt your grope fest BUT will you please give me ideas on how you want to die?" MFC asks politely.

"Um listen hairy guy we're kinda busy" retorts Sarah.

He raises his eyebrow and punts Jimmy into a tree thus killing him. MFC looks at Sarah.

"YOU ASSHOLE! WE WERE GONNA TRY OUT HUGGING!"

"You have your shit backwards, let me help you."

He grabs her head and twists it 180 degrees.

"Hugging then making out"- the last words Sarah spews from her mouth.

She collapses. MFC cracks his knuckles and jumps onto one of the house looking for his next victim. He sees them.

"Are they seriously FUCKING outside of a chicken coop?" He asks in amazement.

Sure enough Rolf and Nazz were doing the horizontal dance (all though Nazz looked to be more vertical). MFC pulls a sword out of his coat and swoops down like Sephiroth and slays them. He looks at his shoe.

"I stepped in CHICKEN SHIT! Son of a bitch. Oh Eds I'm taking it out on you!"

MFC starts laying waste to houses with energy beams. He finally gets the one with the Eds and they pile out.

"HAHA bullshit they're getting away." Chuckles MFC.

He kicks up a rock then kicks it toward Edd. The rock goes through Double D's skull like a fucking bullet and he dies knowing he got his shit ruined.

"Holy shit we just took out Double D with a rock!" gasps Eddy.

"Um he's made of wheat bread and sticky buns!" replies Ed.

"Dude were you inbred?"

"My mom is my sister."

"Sarah?"

"No."

MFC is sitting there waiting for this conversation to end.

"Ok you guys done?" he asks.

"Oh shit" Eddy sinks back.

MFC ignites a lightsaber and gives them the ultimate pwning.

"That mysterious guy was right slaughtering children is fun. Gacy had the right idea."

He starts to walk away but the Kanker sores….sisters show up.

"You killed our husbands" spouts Inbred Kanker hick 1.

"I don't have time for this shit" MFC rubs his temples and pulls out a chain gun and seriously rips them in half with the bullets. He scraps Kevin and the bits of his brain off the car and drives off. "This was a good day it was only missing some hot babes but there will be time for that later".

**Sorry if the story sucked but it's like the 1st one I've written since oh I can remember…they'll get better. Promise. **


End file.
